School

Life is not always smooth sailing.

It is the common test period now, so I am actually having a cranky mood now so maybe whatever I say here may or may not be impulsive.

I am so upset with the people I meet in poly. They gave me so much bad encounters and allowed me to learn so much lessons other than academics. They made me lose faith in so many other things and made me feel like not socializing with other people. Competitions in polytechnics are so uptight and scary. I am sure it had ruined friendships too. I encountered some. It is scary how people change so much within a short period of time. It is scary to witness people change, myself.

Some met new people and left the old ones. They were blinded by all the temporary happiness they got from their new friends and forgot about all the wonderful things their old friends did for them. Some times I really wonder, is it worth it? Is it worth it to give up some one you knew for more than five years for some one you knew for a year? I am glad that I have never been disposed by my 'friends' because I don't put in so much efforts and emotions into a friendship, except for some.

Some other issues regarding school. I opted for two months internship and I managed to source for a company myself. But the company didn't reply with the offer letter before the school's deadline, which means that I have to attend internship at some random company that the school will allocate for me. Sigh, really burning in anger. Next, I think I wasn't chosen for the Overseas Immersion Programme. Seriously, I wonder why some people say "Eh but I think the students who signed on for Xiamen already receive the call." Are y'all trying to be nice to inform me like "I think you no chance alrdy" or "I think you'd better not wait for the call already, don't expect too much". Okay maybe I am thinking too much because most of the poly peeps I meet give me a bad impression of them lol. Maybe the school didn't choose me cos I already went for a community service trip or because my GPA dropped drastically.

Today, after my first paper. So many thoughts went through my head. All I wanted to do was to prepare myself well and do well for my paper. But so many people just want to add in a lot of comments about how I prepare myself. Because the teacher praised me in front of them, they will say like "Aiya this girl top scorer alrdy la" or "You study so much for what? Confirm A one!" Like fuck you? Do y'all know that you're placing a lot of pressure on me? After my paper, I wasn't thinking so much of the careless mistakes I made. I was thinking about people's reactions to my unexpected results. Just give me a break. I am not an AD student.

Last Thursday, my IB tutor told my class a story about a top scorer from HMS having suicide ideation. Suicide ideation - Suicidal ideation is a medical term for thoughts about or an unusual preoccupation with suicide. The range of suicidal ideation varies greatly from fleeting to detailed planning, role playing, self-harm and unsuccessful attempts, which may be deliberately constructed to fail or be discovered, or may be fully intended to result in death. So this girl is actually a smart student with mostly A and AD on her result slip. But in her mind, she is always thinking of ideas of suicide. Why? Because of people's expectations and pressure. No, I am not like her, I won't want to commit suicide. I still believe that there are good things that are coming to me in the future. I just hope people don't expect so much of me, ask lesser and mind their own business.

So in all, it is just all about grades. Grades determine everything. You feel superior when your grades are good. Trust me, at some point of time, you will feel revengeful when your grades fall below your friend's. It will just happen.

I don't really expect to benefit much from poly. I just want to get this shit done and over with and get my ass to a good university.