I am suffocating

I need a break from this fast paced life and head towards a peaceful town and appreciate life and people around me. Yes, I had rest enough for the past two weeks but apparently I am not satisfied. First week of school and I am slapped with deadlines, upcoming quizes, and unexpected common tests results. Lousy results - Makes me demoralized, disappointed, upset, moody, shut myself up, broken, learn to be strong and act like I am not torn. For the past 3 years in secondary school (sec3/4/5, when I started to study hard), I had to compete with smart and capable people in my cohord and that period of time I had already find myself in a messy state. And now, after three years, I had landed in Ngee Ann's Business Studies, class TB24, which I would like to proudly say, the best class. My class has got full of smart people, I'd dare to say all of the guys in my class are hardworking and driven to study hard. And yes, I found myself in a more messy state because I am pressurized. They are smart beyond words. No, I am not blaming them that they made me one of the lowest scorer but they really motivated me to study even harder. My mind went blank after I received back my POA paper, I look at my mark and I already sort of shut down. I kept quiet then swallowed my tears. I told myself I will cry only during my break, but all the concerns from my friends made me feel more worse and I just..... cried. I got more than 80% but apparently that's not good enough. To me, if you get less than 90% in poly you just stfu and stay in your own cave. Yes I am the pathetic one who need to shut up and reflect where went wrong. Did I not study hard enough? Did I not study smart? Was I too slack? Did I let my guard down? Was I too confident? Or I expected too much from myself? POA is my best subject since secondary school but now I just let down myself, let down the poa teacher who believed in me. I can flunk anything but just not POA, it affects me too much... too much that you probably don't understand why it does. Back to my fast paced life, we've got plenty fo projects to be done, presentations next week, got to complete blog 4 etc but I have got so little time. I honestly can't wait for august examinations to be over so I can take a breather, all over again.

So after stoning for 45 more minutes, I've got tuition. After tuition I am going to do ITB project, CSE RJ and attempt to research on the CQ Forum. Right now I am damn exhausted, I need sleep. But the time used for sleeping can be used to do a lot of things, got to keep this mind xx

Full of negative thoughts, l3mon.